If you're here, you're probably carrying something heavy — or concerned about someone who is. Questions? Wounds? Perhaps a sense that your faith community wasn't being entirely honest with you? Whatever brought you here, you're not alone and you're not broken for wondering.
I started this project in 2008, after my own crisis of religious deconstruction and rebuilding. For years I had been involved in singles ministries across a variety of churches. I watched up close what happened to my brothers and sisters who sincerely, desperately tried to live out heavy-handed purity dogmas. White-knuckling their way through it, trying to shoulder a millstone that was falsely presented as the righteousness of God — and devastated by shame when they failed. Many didn't make it, emotionally, spiritually, or in a couple of cases... unspeakably.
Having spent time around church leadership, I witnessed their occasional double standards. Behind closed doors, some leaders ridiculed the very people who had sincerely lived out their teachings and remained virgins. On a couple of occasions some leaders were publicly caught in affairs — scandals quietly swept out the back door by their peers. Declared healed by prayer and counseling, and never mentioned again. These were the same voices who would brand our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as abominations, and condemn those who had premarital sex.
Over the years I've managed to forgive these people. As infuriating as it was to witness, I know it wasn't their intent to cause harm — and their personal indiscretions weren't any of my business. They were genuinely generous, faithful Christians in almost all other ways, and I don't want to hold a cloud over them. This is why it's often counterintuitive for us to directly question the underlying theology of purity culture. It is usually presented by those who are sincere and carry real moral authority.
If you have struggled with or been wounded by these teachings, you are not alone. What happened to you is not your fault, and you deserve to be at peace. I try to help those who are willing to listen and open to constructive conversation even if they think I'm dead wrong. Some might tell you I'm trying to promote sin — I am not. I'm trying to prevent the kind of real harm that religious institutions are very reluctant to discuss.